And now, FEMA fixes marriage by Charles M Madigan
And now, FEMA fixes marriage by Charles M Madigan
Copyright © 2006, Chicago Tribune
Published June 13, 2006
A brilliant idea came to me as the Senate Republicans pushed their hopeless proposal for a constitutional amendment to protect marriage from amorous gay people. I agree with all of the arguments about marriage being a foundation in our culture and the best way to raise a family and nourish values.
That being the case, let's focus on the real threat.
It's time to arrest and imprison everyone who has ever been divorced, make it illegal to have serious marital problems and set up a federal agency to enforce it.
It's just that simple.
I know, the prisons are already crowded. But Congress can just pass a law to pardon, maybe, all the pot-pushers to make room for the guys and gals who decided to put asunder what no man was supposed to be able to put asunder, if I remember the vows correctly.
As I understand it, three things generally bust up marriages--sex, money or "issues" relating to children.
First we get a constitutional amendment making divorce as unpatriotic as flag burning. Then we get the government into a big "Marriage Security and Enhancement" program that would be run by the Federal Emergency Management Agency, because those people are so astute at handling disasters.
We could have the Marriage Police who would show up at a moment's notice, fully armed with federal authority to dictate solutions to problems. You would have to do what they say or face felony charges that would land you in prison along with all the divorced felons already serving time.
Say your problem is sex. (You can admit it here. The government will keep it quiet.)
You were both all hot and kissy when the marriage began, spent most of your time bouncing around the condo, wore out the "Bolero" CD and simply could not keep your hands off one another. You shared Bing cherries, slurped oysters from navels, toasted with real champagne, got all googly-eyed and promised an eternity of perpetual, undying, inventive passion.
Then, in the second week of the marriage, something went completely off track and you both just sat around watching TV or reading books.
And so you decided, "Call the lawyers."
The Marriage Police would show up just in time with a new CD, ED pills and copies of my exciting new books, "The Loving Wife," "Just say: Yes!" and "Loving, Listening and More and More Listening and More Listening: Being a Functional Husband."
(I haven't actually written them yet but all they need is a publisher, an advance check and some typing.)
"You have one week to get back at it," the marriage cops would say. You could achieve this in a nice air-conditioned FEMA disaster trailer. There are lots of them available in Arkansas, romance capital of America. Kids? The Federal Kid Police would come in and order you to agree on how to raise the kids. No one has ever figured this out, there is no proper book yet, but maybe a good pamphlet would do the trick.
Money? The Money Police would come and make you work harder to bring in more money so you could have more stuff, which, of course, is the solution to everything. We all need more stuff.
Having solved those problems, the government could force all of those divorced people to remarry once they get out of the can. This would cause more divorces as an unintended consequence among those who had remarried, but that would be handled by changing the laws so people could have more than one spouse, just to keep things legal, like in Utah in the old days.
Within a decade the whole problem would go away. No one would ever get divorced again and the institution of marriage would be saved.
We would need bigger houses, of course, for all of those expanded families. People who have discovered they actually hate one another might be a problem. By why focus on the negative?
We could finally rest easy knowing that the menace of divorce had been eliminated and marriage, that institution we so deeply respect, had been saved.
These are the stupidest ideas I have had in my years of column writing, which is why I am presenting them.
But they aren't as stupid as the thought that government should step between two people who love one another and want to stand as a couple. We are obliged to recognize and honor love where we find it.
It is rare and powerful in its beauty, a product not of politics, but of the soul.
----------
chicagotribune.com/gleaner
Copyright © 2006, Chicago Tribune
Published June 13, 2006
A brilliant idea came to me as the Senate Republicans pushed their hopeless proposal for a constitutional amendment to protect marriage from amorous gay people. I agree with all of the arguments about marriage being a foundation in our culture and the best way to raise a family and nourish values.
That being the case, let's focus on the real threat.
It's time to arrest and imprison everyone who has ever been divorced, make it illegal to have serious marital problems and set up a federal agency to enforce it.
It's just that simple.
I know, the prisons are already crowded. But Congress can just pass a law to pardon, maybe, all the pot-pushers to make room for the guys and gals who decided to put asunder what no man was supposed to be able to put asunder, if I remember the vows correctly.
As I understand it, three things generally bust up marriages--sex, money or "issues" relating to children.
First we get a constitutional amendment making divorce as unpatriotic as flag burning. Then we get the government into a big "Marriage Security and Enhancement" program that would be run by the Federal Emergency Management Agency, because those people are so astute at handling disasters.
We could have the Marriage Police who would show up at a moment's notice, fully armed with federal authority to dictate solutions to problems. You would have to do what they say or face felony charges that would land you in prison along with all the divorced felons already serving time.
Say your problem is sex. (You can admit it here. The government will keep it quiet.)
You were both all hot and kissy when the marriage began, spent most of your time bouncing around the condo, wore out the "Bolero" CD and simply could not keep your hands off one another. You shared Bing cherries, slurped oysters from navels, toasted with real champagne, got all googly-eyed and promised an eternity of perpetual, undying, inventive passion.
Then, in the second week of the marriage, something went completely off track and you both just sat around watching TV or reading books.
And so you decided, "Call the lawyers."
The Marriage Police would show up just in time with a new CD, ED pills and copies of my exciting new books, "The Loving Wife," "Just say: Yes!" and "Loving, Listening and More and More Listening and More Listening: Being a Functional Husband."
(I haven't actually written them yet but all they need is a publisher, an advance check and some typing.)
"You have one week to get back at it," the marriage cops would say. You could achieve this in a nice air-conditioned FEMA disaster trailer. There are lots of them available in Arkansas, romance capital of America. Kids? The Federal Kid Police would come in and order you to agree on how to raise the kids. No one has ever figured this out, there is no proper book yet, but maybe a good pamphlet would do the trick.
Money? The Money Police would come and make you work harder to bring in more money so you could have more stuff, which, of course, is the solution to everything. We all need more stuff.
Having solved those problems, the government could force all of those divorced people to remarry once they get out of the can. This would cause more divorces as an unintended consequence among those who had remarried, but that would be handled by changing the laws so people could have more than one spouse, just to keep things legal, like in Utah in the old days.
Within a decade the whole problem would go away. No one would ever get divorced again and the institution of marriage would be saved.
We would need bigger houses, of course, for all of those expanded families. People who have discovered they actually hate one another might be a problem. By why focus on the negative?
We could finally rest easy knowing that the menace of divorce had been eliminated and marriage, that institution we so deeply respect, had been saved.
These are the stupidest ideas I have had in my years of column writing, which is why I am presenting them.
But they aren't as stupid as the thought that government should step between two people who love one another and want to stand as a couple. We are obliged to recognize and honor love where we find it.
It is rare and powerful in its beauty, a product not of politics, but of the soul.
----------
chicagotribune.com/gleaner
posted by Carlos T Mock at 11:02 AM
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